


Tentative Tension

by AshBug



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Original Work
Genre: Future Foundation (Dangan Ronpa), Gen, Intrusive Thoughts, Overdose, Self-Harm, So major tw for those, Suicide Attempt, if i write kakusu again they will be much worse i promise, only slightly though, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:46:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28607724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshBug/pseuds/AshBug
Summary: ONC AGAIN MAJOR TW FOR SUICIDE, OVERDOSING, AND SELF HARM,click away now if that is a trigger, and stay safe please! <3----------------------------Kakusu has had a lot of things happen in their life.Apparently, it's led to them sitting on their bathroom floor, waiting for the end.--------------HUGE vent fic for me, it's not been the best past months for me, so I'm hoping to at least release a little with writing, since I haven't done so in a while.





	Tentative Tension

The robe hung loosely to their frame. It was soft, heavy, and almost comforting compared to everything else around them. 

It all hurt, everything was painful in different ways. Their eyes stung from being on the brink of tears for hours, the slices engrained deep into their skin burned hot with the blood dripping out of them, their head pounded fiercely, as if something were trying to crack their skull from the inside with their fist. A fuzzy, yet unpleasant feeling was just starting to form in their gut, and the emerging notions of nausea making an entrance. 

Kakusu couldn’t tell if this was a climax or a dwindling, finishing event. Like a demise met by a grand burst of flame, or a final ember, surrounded by ash, finally losing energy and dying out, reducing the pile to a monochrome mess of colorless, burnt debris, completely devoid of the warm orange heat it once christened. 

Despite the unfinished decision, they still could hear the crackling of hot charred wood in their skin, and their bones creaked with every movement, akin to an ancient, settling house. Though not living a full lifespan, in this moment, they felt as if their body had aged decades in mere minutes.

Their head, almost completely blank beforehand, experienced a thought.

“How long is this supposed to take?”

It felt like ages since they had downed the solution. Sure, their head felt light, and a bellyache made them shift restlessly on the floor, but they had expected worse. This didn’t seem right at all, or effective, just inconvenient and uncomfortable at worse. So, with a heavy, exasperated sigh, they sat forward, pulling their weight off the wall, and in one quick motion, raised themself to their feet.

It wasn’t until their head made contact with the ground that they had realized that their legs had given out from beneath them. Kakusu brought a palm to their forehead, hissing in pain, their headache quickly being relabeled from bearable to agonizing. 

“Fuck!” They gritted, repositioning themself to try and stand again, taking more care and using the nearby counter for support. The bathroom was naturally cold, with all the marble, ceramic, and tile, there was barely any warmth to be had in the space. 

A shower would make things better, they always did. Whenever something was stressful, or simply when they were bored, they would turn on the water and indulge in the comforting feeling of being somewhat productive. Though they were alone now, the dim, enclosed environment was peaceful. It was a pause menu in their life that they had learned to enjoy, nobody bothers someone in the shower, they get out when they get out, unless, of course, if they’ve spent far too much time behind the curtain. Being showered out of a home would be embarrassing, but sadly a reality that one would have to face if their water bill tanked from multi-hour long sessions of aimlessly pondering the great unknown while under a torrent of warm water.

A shower would help them stop thinking, even for just a moment.

Kakusu was successful this time in standing up, but was liberal in their reliance on the wall to balance them. Their throat bobbed as they swallowed, the sensation causing their gag reflex to act, and their stomach pain to only increase.

Their head suddenly burst with panic.

Everything hurts so much more now, would they be able to make it out of the room? Would they even make it through this moment? A brief pause occurred in the flood of their mind.

“Am I gonna die?” 

That was their intention, of course. No one swallows as many pills as they did while still having full intention to wake up the next morning. As their heart started pounding, it ached as well. Why was everything so painful? Why couldn’t they have just blinked out of consciousness, without the stomach pains, dizziness, or headaches? 

Why did they suddenly feel regret for their decision?

Like a flash, all the reasons they wanted to stay alive came to mind. They hadn’t published a book yet. They never kissed anyone. They still wanted to say they had gone hiking. They were scared.

It would’ve been helpful, if it had occurred to them before they decided to take the cocktail. Now, it only caused a panic stricken gasp out their mouth.

“Wait.” They panted, eyes darting around in spite of the sensitivity of their headache. “Wait, wait wait- hold on I’m-” Kakusu found themself stuttering. They tried to take a step forward, grab hold of the sink, something to get away from their spot on the floor. They didn’t want to die there. They ended up swaying, though, the moment they let go of the wall, and falling to their knees again. They would’ve cursed, but even opening their mouth made them feel like vomiting.

They sunk back into their original position, defeated. They couldn’t escape even if they wanted to. Everything was going by so fast, their thoughts drowning them, making their nose sting when they tried gasping for breath. They didn’t want to die, but they had no choice at this point. They couldn’t even yell for help, they would just end up hurling, and they didn’t prefer making their throat even more sore than it was already.

It was all so much, so very much. The tears lingering in their lower lashes finally gained the momentum to fall. They felt so angry, so pitiful. Overwhelming thoughts with overwhelming sensations.

Kakusu was unbearably overwhelmed, to the point where it felt like white noise inside their own skull.

Everything suddenly became strangely funny. Though their heart still pounded, and the pain was prevalent, they couldn’t help but feel humor playing with the corners of their mouth. They cracked a wide smile, fighting back the urge to vomit again, and closed their eyes. Something felt like it was shifting, like they were scooting over in their seat and watching someone else drive, it was unusual. 

A snicker pierced the silence. That snicker turned into a giggle, and that giggle turned into a laugh. They began cackling to themself like they had just seen the funniest thing they had ever witnessed. 

“Wow! Kakusu!” They jeered. “This is exciting isn’t it?”

Oh, so it really was like giving up the wheel. This was probably the last thing they wanted to face.

“Your mind is so weak that I had to take over to stop you from blacking out! Isn’t this fun!” It only smiled and ran their fingers through their tangled hair. “It’s a shame the body is just as weak, I could’ve had some real good times if I could stand up, don’t you think?”

_ If I die, you die too.  _

“Of course I know that, were you trying to smite little old me?”

_ If you want to see another day then you will scream as loud as you can. _

“Huh? Why didn’t you scream? Were you waiting for me to save the day?”

_ You seem to be able to manage nausea better than I can. _

With that, they fell silent, clearly thinking, but not piping up for once. A deep breath escaped their throat, and they raised their head, opening their mouth.

“ **_HELP!_ ** ”

They shrieked, voice cracking and raspy. Nothing was given as a response, so it was tried again, and again, and again. A chant erupted from the bathroom, hopeful that someone could hear them.

Their hope was answered, as a knock was heard from the door.

“Ah, who’s in here? Was that you?”

Ishika was on the other side, unassuming, if not slightly worried.

“Rika-Chaaaaaan~” They sang playfully, clearly still trying to make fun of the situation. “Would you mind opening the door? Kakusu needs some…” They paused, looking down at themself, the empty bottles, and the blood dotted around the normally sterile bathroom, “assistance!”

There was hesitance from the hypnotist, hand hovering just above the doorknob, before he spoke again.

“Is this really Suimin-Kun?” He called from the other side. They smiled, leaning back patiently.

“You aren’t gonna have a ‘Suimin-Kun’ if you keep up playing this caution game!”

This caused the door to swing open, the long haired student wore a wild expression, a mix of alarm and irritation. Seeing the scene before him, however, he stopped dead in his tracks.

“S-Sui-” 

“Look at this little surprise they were gonna leave for you to clean up Doctor-Chan!” They slurred, having trouble keeping their eyes focused. 

“ _ Suimin-Kun! _ ” Ishika nearly screamed as he rushed to their side, dropping to his knees and grabbing their shoulder.

“That’s Yami-Sama to you…” They trailed off, their head lulling to the side as both students tried fighting for consciousness in the continuously failing body.

At this point, Kakusu didn’t have much desire to speak, both from their general inability to at this moment, and their bitterness that Yami had to be the last person to talk to Ishika.

Ishika looked to be distraught, but not much was heard by either, as darkness overtook their vision, and they succumbed to their drowsiness.

* * *

“-min-Kun, can you hear me?”

“H-Huh?” They blinked. Their head still hurt, much to their dismay, but they had much more ability to prop themself up and screw their eyes to focus on the figure beside them. They were on a bed, not very comfortable, but a bed nonetheless. Surrounded by light, and the constant noise of beeping, it made them twitch every time the sound was audible. 

“Rika-Kun? What- Where… did we… surgery?” Kakusu mumbled aimlessly, rubbing their head and leaning back down. Truthfully, they wanted to sleep more, but the look on the hypnotist’s face was dark, and curiosity kept them awake.

Their shuffling caused the fabric to rub roughly against their left arm, sending shockwaves of a dull, stinging feeling through their body. Ishika kept quiet for a moment, seeming to watch the cogs turning in Kakusu’s mind. They raised their hand, examining the bandages wrapped carefully around their forearms, the white gauze stained red in some areas. The memory of the night previous finally recalled itself.

Oh.

“Rika-Kun, I-” They turned to look at the long haired boy again, trying their hardest to read their expression through a drowsy lense. Their mind raced for a method, a way to approach the situation. It was screaming to defend themself, to lash out, to scare him, anything to get his pale, intense gaze away from them. They wanted to make him scowl and rid his own mind of any worry or empathy that he might have for them, as pitiful as they felt. Kakusu hated that those eyes shown with concern, that they were ever so slightly misty, and the skin beneath them was pink with irritation.

_ Why are you just sitting there? Do something, I’m getting bored already. _

Ishika, without warning, lurched forwards. Kakusu threw their hands over their head fully expecting a firm smack, but was surprised to find arms wrapping around their abdomen. They felt much too stiff, like a statue, compared to the warmness of the embrace. 

“I’m sorry.” The boy spoke into their shoulder. “I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this for so long.”

The apology immediately triggered a knee-jerk reaction in Kakusu.

“Oh, heheh, uh don’t apologise.” They deflected, holding a smile on their lips and awkwardly resting their arms atop Ishika’s back. “There’s no need, it’s not-”

“Suimin-kun, it  _ is _ my fault, please, just let me acknowledge that I’ve done something wrong.” The arms got tighter, constricting their chest just enough that Kakusu only had a little trouble breathing. To this, They said nothing, and surprisingly, Yami had nothing to say either. Whenever Ishika came into physical contact with Kakusu, Yami would always sneer requests. To choke him, hit him, stab him, gouge his eyes out, and they had always ignored it, since it was like clockwork at this point. However, the eerie silence in their own head as they felt his breath shallowly on their neck sparked curiosity. Why of all moments are they deciding to keep their mouth shut now? 

Despite being quiet, Kakusu still had the overarching feeling of distance from their own nerves. Yami was still somewhat there, lingering, but not completely inserting themself. Could they not think of something to project? Maybe they saw how serious the situation was? Kakusu pondered as Ishika pulled away, wiping his eyes again and scooping Kakusu’s hands into his own, giving a weak squeeze.

“Do you think they feared death as well?” They breathed, looking over the other’s shoulder. 

“They?”

“Yami.” 

The name was particularly new to Ishika, only just hearing about it a few days ago. Kakusu showed no signs of a possible dissociative identity, but they had something in their head after the experiments had started, and it never really went away. Ishika had no idea whether I was malicious, or just another person, since Kakusu had refused to elaborate past confirming its existence. His only experience with Yami was just a few hours ago, when he had found Kakusu on the brink of collapse in the bathroom.

He sniffed again, continuing to hold onto Kakusu with one hand and wipe his eyes even more raw than they already were.

“I don’t know.”

Kakusu sighed, retracting their hand and looking away. A part of them wanted to reject the boy's affection to spare themself the grief of seeing him turn his back again. Sometime, about a week or two prior, Ishika had seemed to suddenly act as if Kakusu was a stranger. He stopped singing, stopped giving them reassuring pats on the shoulder, stopped listening to them ramble about vague concepts, stopped laughing at their jokes, stopped everything that let them know that he recognised them as a human being. Past that point, he only treated Kakusu like a test subject. Something to be poked and prodded, and to be recorded analytically.

It filled Kakusu with so many emotions, to have the only semblance of humanity in their current life be taken away. Anger over him disregarding them, sadness over being completely alone, fear that he was lying all along. 

“I should’ve never let this happen.” Ishika grimaced to himself, a tinge of bitterness on his tongue. 

“Just stop piping off about how sorry and miserable you are, cut the shit.”

“Huh?”

Kakusu turned back, furrowing their brows and glaring at him. 

“I know you’re lying to me.” They voiced the thought that ran through their head constantly. Any sense of kindness anyone showed to them was met with a voice inside their head screaming ‘ _ liar’ _ , even way before Yami had nestled themself into their brain. Yami had it relatively easy. Sure, there were things they made worse, but they already had a lot of the mentality already scrambled up and fucked over when they arrived. 

Ishika blinked slowly, taking a deep breath before responding.

“I’m sorry.”

They still stared at the edge of the bed opposite of the other, trying hard to extinguish the racing thoughts and emotions pulsing through them. An awkward silence filled the space, and Kakusu just wished that he would stand up and leave. Keep on the apathetic face and move on, giving the one gift of lifting the burden of Kakusu feeling guilty about Ishika fretting over them. They hated how confusing it was, they were sure he was lying about his remorse, but desperately wanted him to show emotion towards them again, but then at the same time again, they would hate it if he was sorrowful because of their actions.

They had already been told many times that they had a knack for making others miserable, they wished for the selfish desire to absolve themself of their curse.

Ishika sighed, pulling his jacket, which he had folded close to his chest, over his shoulders and standing up from his chair at the side of the bed. As he turned to leave, Kakusu’s gaze followed, seeing him take out a phone and begin messaging someone.

The silence remained as the hypnotist closed the door behind himself, leaving Kakusu alone again. They knew they were being monitored, so any attempts at anything funny would be pointless, and only get them into more trouble.

_ Wow, what was his deal? _

They shrugged, shuffling back under the thin, sterile covers and staring at the blank ceiling.

_ Do you really think he cares? Or is he just trying to act like it to rope you into being obedient? _

Yami hammered on like usual, but the tone of voice seemed different. It wasn’t a sneer, their statements weren’t jives or taunts, they sounded as if they were asking a genuine question. 

_ Even if he  _ **_did_ ** _ care, do we even deserve it at this point? _

Odd. Yami never seemed to refer to them as a unit, always simply using ‘you’ or ‘I’, never ‘we’, and they kept the same inquisitive tone.

“Just shut up for a minute, I’m still tired.” They murmured, burying their face into the pillow.

For once, they did. Kakusu was able to get one final thought before they closed their eyes and huffed.

“ _ We’ll _ just have to deal with it tomorrow.”

**Author's Note:**

> To put it simply Yami is basically an underdeveloped version of Izuru created during the process of Kakusu's experimentation. Kakusu was actually a volunteer (sorta against their will) for the izuru project, but was decommissioned someway through for an extremely violent lashing out that left several people injured.  
> They don't act like, or function like, the Hajime-Izuru, of course, and I really want to explore them more.
> 
> This little snippet itself may or may not be in the canonical story, but I wouldn't doubt it. It was just a kind of character study/ vent/ me trying to figure out how Yami and Kakusu would work in the same head.


End file.
